LOCKDOWN REALNESS

2020 was supposed to be my best year yet. January saw me move to London – something that I thought would really kickstart my new life. I had work placements due to start in the spring, I had so much to look forward to. I was excited to make new friends, explore new parts of this big, bright city, and hopefully find someone special. I was excited to start up my career, I was hoping for job offers, I wanted to get my work published in glossy magazines – there was so much to hope for, so much to dream for and so much to achieve. My mental health was improving, I was happier than ever and I was ready to live my best year at 22 in 2020. 

But then a global pandemic happened. My mental health deteriorated and the world came crashing down around us all. This virus is horrid, it's brutal, it's indiscriminate, it's heartbreaking and it's scary. And I don't think everyone is taking it seriously enough. 

As somebody who has suffered with poor mental health and severe health anxiety for around five/six years, a global health pandemic isn't really ideal. 

I've now been indoors for 68 days. Yes, sixty-eight days. No, I haven't been out for a walk or to the shops, and yes, I am getting exercise and fresh air. But I cannot pass this virus onto my mum as she is all I have got and has a couple of health issues that make her more vulnerable. I'm lucky as our new flat is pretty big and has a large balcony. I feel blessed to be able to stay at home with my mum, take care of her, protect the NHS and save lives. And if I'm honest, I don't know when I'll be going out next. 

I don't even know why I'm writing this post – I wasn't going to blog again for a while because 1) my mental health hasn't been all that, and 2) I thought it could come across as insensitive. But then I realised, everyone is in the same boat – we're all going through this once in a generation occurrence, we're all feeling the same feelings, we're all unable to change the things we want to but just can't, and we're all feeling uneasy and unsure. It's also good to document what's going on right now – my blog has been with me through so much, so many life events and so many different things, so why not a global pandemic too?

I was actually writing a series for my blog – 'FROM THE SUNSHINE COAST TO THE CAPITAL' – it was a series I was so excited for. It was going to document my new life in London and all of the amazing things I would experience. But that soon fizzled out to nothing. So here I am, documenting the past few weeks in lockdown...

The last time I went out was on March 4th.. crazy right? Lockdown has meant finding things to do in between feeling shitty. From knitting, to sorting out the balcony, doing bits of uni work, listening to music and working out – I've been busying myself as much as I can. I find sitting on the balcony really helps me – the fresh air, the sunlight in the mornings and the stars in the evenings. I also find that getting dressed up nice, doing my hair and makeup (and documenting that with a quick snap) is a real surefire way to make myself feel a bit better.

Some of my favourite moments from lockdown 2020 (so far) are...

- Painting the living room pink

- Renovating our balcony, planting seeds, watching them grow, buying plants and putting up lights

- Not washing my hair everyday.. every-other-day is probably sufficient

- Crafting with my mum

- Getting the most thoughtful gift sent to me from my lovely friend Emily

- Baking cupcakes and chocolate cookies

- Watching a Dolly Parton concert on the TV

- Talking to my nan on the phone about when we used to grow sunflowers when I was little

- Making new friends online

- Clapping every Thursday for our carers and key workers

- Painting rainbows on our windows

- Being with my cat more

- Putting cute outfits together (that I wish I could wear out)

- Discovering new country music artists like Runaway June

- Spending time on the balcony

- Captain Tom Moore raising £30 million and turning 100!

- The Queen addressing the nation

- Laughing uncontrollably with my mum

- Painting flags on pillow cases for VE Day

- Hosting a balcony tea party for my mum and cat for VE Day

- Dressing up nicely, putting on makeup and feeling like me every so often

- Having more time to knit and scrapbook (when I feel mentally able)

- Having more time to focus on me, my mental health, how I'm feeling and where I want to go in life

- Loving myself regardless of how my body looks during lockdown

- Louise Pentland following me on Instagram!?!?! I almost fell off my chair!!!

- Receiving a letter from my best friend in America and writing back to her

- My mum buying me Dahlias for the balcony

See... although this is a really shitty time, there's always something good to smile at... no matter how little or how silly it may seem!

I hope you enjoyed reading this ramble! I'm not sure what this post is for, I'm not sure what it's in aid of, and I'm not sure if anyone will even be interested in it. But it's here, it exists and it serves as a memory for me in the years to come if not anything else. 

Stay safe everyone, sending love to you all,